I hate planning. Trying to manipulate schedules and times and events and people and obligations…it is so easily convoluted. 

But there is this desire in each of us to have some semblance of a plan. We hate to make them are compelled to fight against our hatred. But is this compulsion derived from our hatred of planning or our hatred of walking blindly?

I plan not because I want to have a plan; I plan because I want to know, even if the plan is beyond rudimentary or tentative, a little bit more about how whatever event could play out. I plan because I want to know about the unknown. 

Isn’t this exactly against what Christ calls us to do? Our pursuit of knowledge should not be focused on what we’ll do tomorrow but on what God is doing today! It gets to be difficult with things like school, work, family, and friends NOT to plan. We value these things greatly and desire to see them last and prosper. Which really, in itself, is not a bad desire. The problem occurs when we value the vitality of those things, and we undervalue the health of our walk with and trust in God’s providence. 

We’re called to live day-by-day not because it’s easier or it’s more entertaining. Rather, this call is issued to us because of the nature of God’s provision: by practicing this day-by-day mentality, we are training ourselves up, as well as demonstrating to the world surrounding us, in trusting God. We are instructed to live one day at a time because it displays trust in God’s overwhelming provision and providence. 

Planning is a necessary evil today. So go ahead: continue about your planning. But hold those agendas and schedules with open hands. Wouldn’t you rather rely on His perfect will than your short-sighted 5 year deadline?

A friend reminded me a couple of nights ago of something that is very true:

“It doesn’t say in the Bible, ‘Be still and get a response saying that I am God.’ It just says, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’ Sometimes we won’t get a response, and we just have to rely on what we know: that He is really God.” 

Why is that so difficult, for us to be still and know that He is God? What stems from our inability to know that He is God?

We are unable to see His image that He has innately crafted into us. We are unable to see that He has chosen us. 

Both of these lead us to compare ourselves to others. When we compare ourselves to others, we will always be second best. When we look for those things that we don’t measure up to in others, we will find them. 

Here’s something that we all just can’t seem to get through our heads no matter how ardently we try: Just because we can’t measure up to others doesn’t mean we are a failure. It just means we have different strengths. That’s why we are a body; we are separate parts intended for different functions that work toward the common goal of making the body “go”. 

Do I have a sign on my forehead saying “Bail on me!” that I don’t know about? In the past two weeks, all I have really needed is a friend to listen, if not respond as well. I went to God in the beginning, and He was silent; so I tried to seek out the wisdom of my friends around me. But everywhere I turn, even to those friends that told me they would “always be there, no matter what” for me, people bail. And it’s not even that they are busy and just can’t hang out. They make plans with me, but then last minute have to cancel, apologizing because they “know” that I’m “going to hate” them. I’m second best. 

Guess what? I don’t hate you. I still love my friends. And that makes me hurt all the worse for it. 

If I hated you, who cares if you could hang out with me or not? You know why I came to you in the first place? Because I love and trust you. I am always here for you, ready to pick up the pieces with you. But when my moment of trial comes, and I need someone to help me pick up the pieces, guess who is there? Not you! 

This past year, guess who I turned to? You. Last week, guess who I turned to? You. This past week, guess who I turned to? Not you, because I don’t need to be rejected by one or two or five more people when I feel like the world is breaking down around me. 

And then, when I cry out to God, I don’t receive an answer. And I am reminded of how alone I really am. Just as I can see my friends going about their days at school and work and life, I can see God working around me and making His imprint on the circumstances I’m presented with. But here’s the real kicker: Though I see His works and my friends going about their days, I can’t get my friends to come to my aid the one time I need it, and God won’t speak directly to me even when I am on my knees. 

There are seasons of silence, I know. This is just really the most inopportune time for me to be enduring one right now. It’s times like this that I wish I had thicker skin, so that my broken heart wouldn’t show through quite so prominently. 

People say “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Yes, I understand the meaning behind it: “He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). But does this really promise that He won’t give us more in life than we can handle?

To be frank, I don’t think so. I think the saying we tell everyone is not the intention of the One who gave it. 

God gave us situations that we won’t be able to “handle”. We were not designed to be autonomous. The reason that stress breaks our bodies in the ways it does is because these bodies in which we reside are incapable of accomodating the needs of our demanding desire for control. 

Bodies break, emotions crumble, relationships fail, and reputations stumble. Any control we have at a particular time is God-given and can be God-taken.

Day 25 - Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality or someone beautiful with a plain personality?

Well then…probably the plain with an amazing personality. I’d rather grow to appreciate the plain and eventually see the immense beauty in that person that date a beautiful person is only as much as the surface. Though a beautiful man with an amazing personality would be ever so wonderful to date. 

Day 24 - Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. “If I live at home” or “If I live at Biola” scenarios

2. “Shoot, I forgot _____”

3. “Crap! Do we have an assignment due? No? Thank the Lord!” (seriously, happens at least four times a month in each class I take)

4. “I have no clue what I’m doing with my life.”

5. “Thanks a lot, bud.” (in a heavily sarcastic/sardonic tone)

6. “Southern California…to live here, or to not live here?”

7. “This whole Christian thing…would I have done it if I wasn’t raised in it?”

Day 23 - A letter to someone, anyone.

Hi.

I waited so long to say that to you. And I finally got to say it. 

Bye. 

Such a simple word, but now I am glad that I never got a chance to say those words to you over a year ago when I thought you were gone for good. 

You’re still reeling from all this. I get it. Actually, I don’t. I hopefully will never fully be able to empathize with you and go through the turmoil you have had to endure. However, I am putting forth every effort in the attempt to understand you as best as I can; my only goal here is to be here for you and be what you need. 

We were able to hang out and have it be “normal”. No, it wasn’t exactly like old times. But it felt comfortable, familiar…it felt like “home”. 

If that is what you need, I want to be able to get some normalcy for you in a life haunted by uncertainty and dishevelment. 

Look! You managed to open this door enough for me to come in and get a glimpse at your life and your heart. Please don’t close me out again. I’m not here to hurt. I’m here to be and do anything you need. 

Thanks for letting me back into your life. Let’s keep it that way.